A HANDSHAKE IS NOT FRIENDSHIP.
The Difference Between Courtesy and Sincerity
Inspired by the timeless couplet of Ahmad Faraz
“तुम तकल्लुफ़ को भी इख़्लास समझते हो ‘फ़राज़’
दोस्त होता नहीं हर हाथ मिलाने वाला।”
Tum takalluf ko bhi ikhlaas samajhte ho ‘Faraz’,
Dost hota nahin har haath milane wala.
You mistake courtesy for sincerity, Faraz. Not everyone who shakes your hand is a friend.
Few lines of poetry capture the complexities of human relationships as beautifully and incisively as this couplet by the celebrated Urdu poet Ahmad Faraz.
At first glance, it appears to be a simple observation about friendship. But a little reflection reveals that it contains a profound lesson about human nature, social behaviour, expectations and the ability to understand people.
The poet draws a distinction between two words: Takalluf and Ikhlaas.
Takalluf is social courtesy, formality, politeness and the gestures we make to maintain cordial relationships. Ikhlaas, on the other hand, is genuine sincerity, affection, honesty and a feeling that comes from within.
The tragedy begins when we mistake one for the other.
1. The Handshake: A Gesture, Not a Guarantee
A handshake is perhaps one of the most universal gestures of human interaction. We shake hands when we meet someone, introduce ourselves, conclude a business transaction, congratulate someone or simply acknowledge another person’s presence.
It is a gesture of goodwill and mutual respect.
But does it necessarily signify friendship?
Certainly not.
A person may shake your hand because it is customary. Someone may smile because the situation demands it. Another may praise you because it serves a purpose. Yet another may display extraordinary warmth in public while having little genuine interest in your well-being.
There is nothing inherently wrong with these gestures. The problem arises when we attach meanings to them that they were never intended to convey.
A handshake establishes contact. Friendship requires connection.
2. The Difference Between Being Known and Being Understood
We meet hundreds, perhaps thousands, of people during our lifetime.
Some are acquaintances. Some are colleagues. Some are neighbours. Some are fellow travellers in the journey of life. We may share meals, exchange pleasantries, attend functions and even spend considerable time together.
But how many actually know us?
And how many understand us?
Being familiar with someone is not the same as knowing that person. Knowing someone’s professional achievements, social standing, family background or financial circumstances does not necessarily mean understanding their thoughts, vulnerabilities, ambitions and disappointments.
A genuine friend does not merely recognise your face. A genuine friend understands something of the person behind that face.
This distinction is often overlooked in a world increasingly dominated by social networking, public appearances and superficial interactions.
We may have hundreds of contacts but very few confidants.
3. Friendship Versus Convenience
One of the most uncomfortable truths about human relationships is that some friendships are built around convenience.
People may remain close because they benefit from the association. It could be professional advantage, social recognition, financial assistance, influence or simply access to something they desire.
Such relationships may appear perfectly normal during favourable circumstances.
But observe what happens when the advantage disappears.
When you are no longer useful, influential, powerful or in a position to offer something, the warmth may gradually disappear.
The telephone calls become less frequent. Invitations diminish. Messages remain unanswered.
Nothing dramatic happens. The relationship simply fades.
This is perhaps the most revealing test of whether the relationship was based on affection or convenience.
A true friend values your presence, not merely your usefulness.
4. Adversity: The Real Test of Friendship
It is easy to stand beside someone when everything is going well.
Sharing celebrations, exchanging compliments, attending parties and enjoying good times require very little emotional investment.
But life is not a continuous celebration.
There are periods of illness, financial difficulty, professional setbacks, family problems, disappointments and personal losses.
These are the moments when the meaning of friendship becomes clearer.
A genuine friend may not have the resources to solve your problem. They may not be able to offer financial assistance or change your circumstances.
But they will not disappear merely because your circumstances have changed.
Sometimes, a reassuring telephone call, a few encouraging words or simply sitting beside someone in silence can mean more than a thousand expressions of affection during happier times.
Friendship is not measured by the number of occasions on which people meet. It is measured by the quality of their presence when it matters.
5. The Danger of Misplaced Expectations
There is another dimension to Faraz’s couplet that deserves attention.
Sometimes, disappointment in relationships arises because we expect too much from people.
We interpret a friendly conversation as emotional attachment. We consider an occasional invitation an indication of closeness. We assume that someone who praises us publicly will necessarily support us privately.
We begin to assign importance to relationships without establishing whether the other person shares the same feelings.
When reality eventually reveals the difference, we feel betrayed.
But was there really a betrayal?
Perhaps the other person was simply being courteous, while we interpreted that courtesy as affection.
This is an important lesson in emotional maturity: understand the nature of a relationship before investing expectations in it.
Not everyone who enters our life is meant to become a permanent part of it.
Some people are acquaintances, some are companions for a particular phase of life, and a fortunate few become lifelong friends.
There is no need to force every relationship into the category of friendship.
6. Actions Speak Louder Than Expressions
Sincerity is not established by words alone.
People can say wonderful things. They can make promises, express admiration and repeatedly assure us of their loyalty.
But words are easy.
Consistency is difficult.
A sincere person generally demonstrates certain qualities:
- They remember you even when they do not need anything from you.
- They respect your dignity, including in your absence.
- They can disagree with you without humiliating you.
- They do not exploit your weaknesses or personal disclosures.
- They are genuinely pleased by your achievements.
- They do not disappear whenever you encounter difficulties.
- They maintain a degree of honesty even when the truth is inconvenient.
None of these qualities requires grand gestures.
Indeed, genuine friendship is often visible in small, ordinary acts of consideration.
It is not necessarily loud, demonstrative or publicly displayed.
Sometimes, the quietest person in your circle may be the most dependable.
7. Courtesy Is Not Hypocrisy
While appreciating the wisdom of Faraz, we must also avoid drawing an extreme conclusion.
Not every formal relationship is false. Not every polite person is pretending. Not every handshake carries an ulterior motive.
Society cannot function without courtesy.
We need to be respectful towards colleagues, neighbours, strangers, service providers and people with whom we may have little emotional connection.
A person can be genuinely courteous without being a personal friend.
In fact, the ability to maintain respectful relationships without demanding emotional closeness is itself a sign of maturity.
We should not expect everybody to become our friend, nor should we feel disappointed when they do not.
The distinction is simple: respect everyone, trust thoughtfully, and reserve deeper emotional investment for relationships that demonstrate mutual sincerity.
8. The Other Side of the Mirror: Are We Genuine Friends?
Perhaps the most meaningful extension of this couplet is to turn the question towards ourselves.
We are quick to examine the sincerity of others. But how often do we examine our own?
Do we remember people only when we need something?
Do we congratulate others genuinely, or do we sometimes conceal envy behind polite expressions?
Do we maintain relationships only because they are useful?
Do we stand beside friends when their circumstances deteriorate?
Are our compliments sincere? Are our promises dependable?
It is easy to demand loyalty, but do we offer the same loyalty in return?
Friendship is a two-way relationship. We cannot expect others to demonstrate qualities that we are unwilling to practise ourselves.
Perhaps the greatest tribute to Faraz’s thought would be to ensure that we do not become the very people his couplet warns us against.
9. A Few Genuine Friends Are Better Than a Thousand Acquaintances
As we move through different stages of life, our understanding of friendship evolves.
In youth, we may associate friendship with companionship, adventure, shared interests and spending time together.
During professional life, our circles expand. We meet people from different backgrounds, institutions and walks of life. We develop cordial relationships and professional associations.
With the passage of time, however, many of us begin to value something different.
We value authenticity.
We appreciate people with whom we can speak without pretence, disagree without hostility and remain silent without feeling uncomfortable.
We value those who do not judge us by our achievements, possessions, influence or social standing.
We value people who remain the same whether we are successful or struggling.
Such friendships are rare, but their rarity makes them precious.
There is no need to have a large circle. A small circle of dependable people can provide more comfort and strength than a crowd of superficial acquaintances.
10. The Final Lesson: Be Warm, But Be Wise
What, then, should we take away from this beautiful couplet?
Should we stop shaking hands? Should we become suspicious of every smile and question every expression of goodwill?
Certainly not.
That would be an unfortunate misunderstanding of the poet’s message.
We should continue to be warm, approachable, generous and courteous. We should welcome people into our lives and give relationships an opportunity to develop.
But we should learn to distinguish between a social gesture and an emotional commitment.
Trust should grow with experience. Friendship should be judged by consistency. Loyalty should be recognised through conduct rather than declarations.
Most importantly, we should not allow a few disappointing experiences to make us cynical about humanity.
Genuine friendship still exists. Sincere people still exist. There are individuals who will stand by us without calculating what they might gain in return.
They may be few, but they are worth recognising and cherishing.
A handshake may introduce two people. A conversation may bring them closer. But only sincerity, trust and the test of time can turn an acquaintance into a friend.
Perhaps that is what Ahmad Faraz wanted us to understand.
Not every hand extended towards us is a hand that will hold ours when we stumble.
And perhaps the wisest approach to life is this:
Respect everyone. Be courteous to all. Trust gradually. Value sincerity. And when you find a genuine friend, never take that friendship for granted.
Gurcharan Aulakh
(Reflections inspired by the poetry of Ahmad Faraz.)
